


An Expert's Guide On How To Be Majestic

by AbschaumNo1



Series: A Guide On How To Be Majestic [3]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Majestic Thorin, Parody, exactly what it says in the title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2013-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-08 07:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/758559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbschaumNo1/pseuds/AbschaumNo1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or how to become the dwarf you’ve always wanted to be – in 50 final steps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Expert's Guide On How To Be Majestic

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo.... this is the last part of this little collaboration... To be honest we didn't expect to finish it so fast. We both thought it would take us at least until next week...
> 
> Anyways. We thank everyone who actually read this and hope some of you had a good laugh or two. We will probably try to go back to studying earnestly now and will refrain from shenannigans such as these lists...
> 
> Have fun reading the final 50 (+ one extra) tips to finally know how to be majestic!

  1. One does not simply toss a dwarf. It has to be done majestically!
  2. And if you have been tossed or tossed one, never tell anyone about it. It’s a majestic secret.
  3. If you kill an orc or warg make sure to take care of it quickly. These things tend to pile up.
  4. Never let more than four dwarves climb on a pine tree. It’ll break.
  5. Forget Red Bull. Dwarf Ale gives you wings!
  6. If your host passes out – just party on. He won’t mind.
  7. If your host doesn’t want you to use a piece of his furniture be so kind to humour him. You can always sit on it later.
  8. Or sit on your host, if he refuses to lend you a chair.
  9. Don’t steal your host’s table silver.
  10. Some life lessons for you to remember: A doily is not a towel, and crochet is not a game, even if you have the balls for it.
  11. If you don’t find your way and are searching a specific house, consider looking at the door. There may be a sign on it. Or even a name tag, when you’re lucky.
  12. If you’re looking for a specific house to meet up with your company try to follow the loud singing.
  13. When you’re arguing with a wizard, don’t forget to give him a majestically grim look. Even if he’s right.
  14. Except he’s never right. You are always right. Because you’re a dwarf. And because you’re not stubborn. No. Not at all.
  15. It is unfriendly not to help the dwarf next to you if he’s unable to look over a wall, but you do.
  16. Do not go on a journey with striped umbrellas. Especially when the colours clash.
  17. Do not throw fish into your fellow dwarves’ barrels.
  18. Beware to whom and in what circumstances you say “At your service”. People might take it personal.
  19. Be politically correct. Do never call a Hobbit “undersized”, especially when he has saved your life.
  20. Before you sleep in an unknown cave, remember to look for trap doors leading into the Goblin realm. Otherwise you might get freaky nightmares.
  21. When asked questions by ugly goblin kings, don’t say a word.
  22. If the Hobbit of your company disappears don’t mention it until you’re safely out of the situation. Hobbits are very stealthy and might be able to sneak up on your enemies.
  23. If the Hobbit does not help you and you cannot find him assume that he abandoned you to go home. Food’s better there anyways.
  24. Even if the legends are true: mountains are NO rollercoasters!
  25. If a Hobbit shares cooking tips with you, accept them. Hobbits are good cooks. They even know how to spice dwarves!
  26. If you’re in danger and there’s no Hobbit around, consider majestically screaming: “Mr GANDAAALF!”
  27. If he helps you be gruff about it anyways. He’s a wizard. He deserves it.
  28. Do not break elvish furniture by sitting on it.
  29. If your cousin does not want to help you reclaim your mountain, take 12 dwarves and a Hobbit. They make the better company.
  30. Never make the mistake to compare your Hobbit to Snow White. That is not only an insult for the Hobbit, but also for you.
  31. Always think positive and smile. Even if you think you’re going to be smashed by wrestling mountains.
  32. Never try to challenge an Elf to start a drinking competition with you. It’ll result in a disgrace for your whole family line.
  33. Never make fun of a Hobbit’s hairy feet. He doesn’t make fun of your face either.
  34. Always act like you understand Orcish. Even if you don’t. (Probability is high they’re insulting you anyways).
  35.  If you happen to understand Elvish, don’t mention it.
  36. If a Hobbit tells you that you’re blunting his knifes, he might be right. Hobbit knifes are neither axes nor swords, after all.
  37. If you hand your weapons over to your Hobbit in order to store them and he drops them, don’t get angry. He’s only used to carrying dishes and frying pans.
  38. When there’s a Hobbit in your company, pay attention where you walk with your big boots. They don’t wear shoes, only hair.
  39. If you want to impress the dwarf lady of your heart’s choice, go to a Hobbit’s house. The food there is better than in any restaurant.
  40. If your Hobbit starts complaining right when you enter his house let him finish. He might have something important to say!
  41. Before you constantly yell at your Hobbit to keep up with you and the others, remember that his legs are shorter than yours.
  42. Don’t underestimate Hobbits. They’re small, but dangerous. Especially if they didn’t get their second breakfast.
  43. If you’re besieged by Orcs and sitting in trees try throwing improvised burn bombs at them.
  44. Do not try to throw one at the lead warg shouting: “Heeeere doggy, go catch it!”
  45. If the big bear man tells you not to leave the house in the night, you don’t leave the house in the night.
  46. When you see your heir walking towards the enemy and you know that he’s going to fail – do not simply shout “Noooo!” Grab’em and keep him back, for Durin’s sake!
  47. Don’t shout at a Hobbit because he doesn’t understand your love for gold. Hobbits don’t do gold. It’s not edible.
  48. Remember that Hobbits are not used to being inside a mountain. They may live in holes in the ground, but they love the outsides.
  49. Love your Hobbit, but never show it openly to him.
  50. Don’t show yourself to a dragon unless you want him to deduce everything about your life with one look.



 

Extra tip:

The most majestic thing you can probably do is to forgive your friends before you bid them goodbye forever.


End file.
